idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
