Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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