Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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