i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
