My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
