the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
soo... how was my night?
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