he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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