Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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