i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
