no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This is my gift to your gina
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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