Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
