I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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