Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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