Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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