All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
