The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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