last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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