Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
