I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
