he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
