did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
