I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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