I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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