I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
