It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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