Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Randomize
