She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize