What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
