You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
