I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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