By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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