Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
