Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
