I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
