She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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