New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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