my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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