I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
