dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You are a genius and a whore.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
