yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
