I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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