you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Houston, we have a blender
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
