remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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