Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
