the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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