Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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