She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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