my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
