i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
