I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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