I think I won the penis lottery.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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