I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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