I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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