we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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