On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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