how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
